WARNING: RATHER ANGRY AND DARK ENTRY REGARDING MY SANITY RIGHT AT THE MOMENT.
In light of rather sad recent events, I don't really want to mention killing myself.
But everything has pretty much shot to hell in the past few weeks. And there's not much I can do to get out of it.
I've got a brand new hell of a catch boyfriend who seems to be the only thing keeping me here right now.
If not killing myself, then doing the old fashioned teen angst thing and run away.
But I'm fucking 20. Teen angst is over with.
My financial aid was taken away again because they decided that I didn't have good enough grades to go there. While I busted my fucking ass for a fucking academic gpa of a 2.0 last semester, they decided that a cumulative gpa wasn't good enough. Since that had to be a 2.0 as well, I got a fucking 1.982.
AND THE MOTHERFUCKING CUNT SUCKING BASTARDS WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
So, now, my mom's decided to take it all out on me.
Yes, I understand it's my fault for not keeping my grades up, but don't bitch to me because I'm not the one who has to pay it just yet. I don't have the motherfucking authority.
On top of that, she just calle dme a failure, like, not even two minutes ago. "You rely on my for everything! You don't drive, you're irresponsible, you don't answer your damn phone (which, btw, is what started this three day scream fest), and now your school wants me to pay more than I can afford."
And I've told her, several times that the school doesn't want me there. They don't want me to succeed apparently. They're doing nothing to help me, and I've gone several times to get help, but to no fucking avail.
Thank god for Nick. I'm so glad he gets it and puts up with me. He's pushing me to move up in my job so when I get done school, I'll be getting paid enough so I can pay off at least one student loan shortly after I graduate.
I want to die.
Like right now. We have quite the collection of drugs downstairs and you guys have no idea how tempting it is to stalk downstairs, grab the anti-depressants I went off of years ago that we keep stored because SHE needs them, grab some vodka, and then take them all in front of her.
"Here mom, let me get rid of most of your so-called problems. The only ones you'll have worry about is what kind of box you want me in when they put me in the fucking ground. See ya."
But as much as I'd love to do that, I don't think I can.
However, I came to the epiphany today, that if you were once suicidal, you more than likely will be so for the rest of your life.
I thought I was over it.
But the fact that work is screwing me over, schools fucking screwing me over, my own mother is fucking mad as hell at me because I didn't pick up my damn phone the other day and she's fucking got me into something I can't argue my way out of with "sorry" ("Don't say you're sorry to me. It's not going to cut it. You've hurt me too much..." blah blah blah...GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF. I SAID SORRY. I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TAKE IT BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH. I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT TRY TO STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY FOR A WHILE, GOING OVER NICK'S AND LETTING YOU RELAX, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M FUCKING SAFE...BUT NOOOOOO...), and the fact that I just don't think I have a future anymore because it's more than obvious that my career choice is against me, I think I'm done.
I want it over.
Get rid of some problems for my mom. Sure, she lost her father this year, why not drive her daughter to do this? Evens the score, I think. And she's always pulling that guilt card. "Do you even care what I've been through this year?" And then she goes on to tell me that I need therapy? I'm not the one who fucking bottles it all up and then explodes with the biggest fucking sob story of all time. "I can't tell my sister anything because she had cancer." She would be more than willing to listen. You've done everything for these people, so it's their turn to listen. And if not, just give me a knife and some masking tape, I can get them to. Jesus Fucking Christ. "I lost Dad this year..." YEAH, AND SO DID I. WE ALL DID. YOUR MOM, YOUR TWO SISTERS, ALL THE GRANDKIDS, NOT JUST FUCKING YOU. Death is inevitable. He was ready to go ten years ago when he had that stroke. You could see it in his eyes. Yeah, I miss pop-pop too, but all that coming from the woman who told me I needed to move on? Goddamn.
My aunt won't have to yell at me to keep my room clean or clean up after myself anymore.
If anyone has any advice on how to fucking apologize to my goddamn mother,give me a line, and I'll email you the whole thing. I'll let you know why she's really really mad and then please help. I'm sick of this. There's no helping her. She's turning into my grandmother.
And she once said that if she ever turned into mom-mom, for me to shoot her.
Well, I've got the rifle ready.
I'M FUCKING DONE.